and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
