Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
