Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
