dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
