after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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