im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
