I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
