matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
