you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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