Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
