I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize
