i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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