Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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