dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
