Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
