So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
