1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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