I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
