i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
