If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
