I hate your face
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
