NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
