I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
