I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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