she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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