either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
