so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
