but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
