life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
