Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
