Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
