So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
