Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
