She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
