So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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