Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
