____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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