A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You made out with two different species that night
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
