she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
