I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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