1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
