john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
