I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
zippers are such a cool invention
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
