she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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