when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
