Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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