This is not my ceiling
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
cat food counts as protein by the way
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
