I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
