i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
