I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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