I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The beer is more important than you right now.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
is that a dick in a sweater?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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