google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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