My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
