Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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