why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
