I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
