well I can't set my house on fire every night
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
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we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
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Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.