I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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