I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.