just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
