Umm I'm too high to move.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
