I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
