Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
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I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
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Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize